Thursday, October 23, 2014

Do they know me?

They think they know me
do they really know me?
They take the smile as happiness
They don't see the inside
The don't see the behind
I have passed many stations
Most untold most best forgotten
But it is me who passed them
So do they really know me
There have been heartbreak
There have been sorrows
There was this station of the mind
Where i left behind many relations
They look at me
And think this is me
Those stops of loneliness
Those abysmal silences
I drove past them at snails pace
And yet they think they know me
They tell me it's not about me
Its about others
Will that make me me
Or make me someone they want me to be
I want to be me
With all the stations i have passed
With all the flaws and grievances
With all the smiles i attempt
Just me
Just let me be me.

Sunday, October 19, 2014


A magic word
The wave of a wand
Or some shining white goblets
Whatever it may be
After treading past
For half a lifetime
I am not the person in the mirror
I am someone else
So they say
Putting on painted masks
Each and every day
I don’t know who I am
So let me
With the wave of a wand
Or some shining white goblets


With all my imperfections
I lay myself to rest
With a flashing strike of the metal
Against my hands so soft
Or a wrong turn of the wheel
In busy crowded freeways
Or a gulp of sweet tasting
Bitter fluids
Or gulping down of a handful
Of cylindrical white globules
Which one
Which one of these
Will end this act
Of utmost imperfections?
The clock now ticking
There is no turning back
Will time stop
Will my loved ones mourn?
May be they will, maybe they wont
Even for a few days
There will not be a vacuum
Emptiness anywhere
Except in the two shining faces
That I brought forth to earth
Aah their smile holds me back
Maybe I am perfect at least to them
A small ray of life
In this me full of imperfections.
I walk back once again
From where the sea ends
Onto shores
With two shining faces
Splashing in the water
Leaving footprints on the sand
I will come back again
To explore the end of the sea
Maybe the next time I make the journey
I will not turn around
And find the abysmal perfect silence
In this life of imperfections.


I messaged her this morning. I called her and spoke to her while she was waiting outside the gate for someone. I saw her, just this morning, just a few hours ago. She was smiling and talking to me. She was happy to speak to me, and sad that she wouldn't see me today. I am in this training till evening. Stuck here. She really wanted to see me. She was unsettled and disturbed last night. She told me that something bad was going to happen, she had that feeling. I dismissed it, and told her that she was tired and needs to sleep. She gave me the usual hugs and kisses and went offline. I know there was something disturbing her. I would have talked to her this evening, after this damn training. Why didn't she wait for me to listen to her. Just a few hours anyways.
Did she feel cold, when the railings touched her hands? Her last thought must have been about me. As she pulled herself above the railings, didn't she have the fleeting thought of being in my arms once again? I wish she had felt like running towards me instead of running towards the end. What did she feel as she left contact with any structure? Did she feel the air hit against her as she fought against the rising air. She is scared of heights, now I remember. So was she scared when she looked down? As she was descending the array of life, did she for an instant want to be caught, in my arms?
If only I could talk to her, be with her, she would have been sitting at her desk now, waiting for me to ping her. How could she do this? To herself, to me, to everyone.. I love her and yet, now.. she's gone.

The mind!

We go about the daily chores, things we are supposed to do, or are obligated to do. Somebody has employed us so we go to work, we are part of some family, so we have to be cognizant of their needs and expectations, we need to survive, so we eat, exercise, rest.. blah blah blah.. After a period of time, there comes a  moment, when you start feeling like a machine and that's when you feel like breaking free and doing something different. You just want to break the routine, something as simple as not go to office, or eat something else for a change.. yes ! that's the word.. for a change..!
What you are pleasing in the process, is the mind. The mind is the supreme leader. It has the power to control everything you do, think, act. It plays on emotions, and feeds on its ego. The mind needs to win, in some form or the other, in situations, with people, in life. The win could be small or big, just as long as it keeps winning, it keeps you going.
You would be dumb to think that you have complete control over your mind, the mind is the silent killer. It hides, when you wish to seek answers, it rumbles with thoughts when you want to shut them off.
Its my mind that drives me to write, even this word. So it seems like God created man, built in the mind and gave the control of the human to the mind. So what happens at death? Where does the mind go? Does it die? I don't think so. Like the body shrivels up and the bones remain, human life is done with, but the mind remains. Where? Well, that's a question I don't have an answer to. Maybe it wanders around us, is that what we call the spirit? Aah.. thoughts.. aah.. my mind!